growing up

im just recovering from a mild case of viral colds (and no, im not an AH1N1 case). ive spent my two days this week at home, in bed....alone.

my aunt's family is away on vacation in manila and i was left alone for a few days, literally fending for myself in everything. i guess when i moved in with them a few months back, i didnt realize the little luxuries i get to experience with them being around.

the daily sandwiches are a goner (i did attempt to prepare at night so i can have something to eat for breakfast at work the next morning...pales in comparison with my aunt's gourmet ones though), the usual hugs from my young cousin whenever i arrive from work (even though with her built and strength, those hugs usually give me breathing difficulties), the chit-chat around the dining table (which i compensated by eating in front of the television, with the voices of julius babao and karen davila keeping me company at night) and the many little nothings, musings and laughter around the two-room flat.

it was indeed lonely.

i tried cheering myself up the first few days they were gone (which are the days that im still healthy and well) by watching a lot of cable tv. i rarely get to do that when they're around since they follow a lot of telenovelas in TFC. i cant really go channel surfing when they hang onto every word that Gerald Anderson and Kim Chiu utters.

and sometimes, it does cheer me up. makes my time pass by more quickly rather than walking around an empty house, thinking of what to do next.

which is exactly what kept running in my mind the whole time i was sick in bed. i cant necessarily park my sickly body at the living room to be in front of the television. that would be 1) uncomfortable and 2) possibly contagious when they arrive, since it's a common area.

with a throat very sore and a nose very congested, i survived eating cereals just so i can drink my medicines on time. i hauled myself to go down to the community clinic to have myself checked and relief washed over me when they checked my temperature and it was normal.

i parked a pitcher of lukewarm boiled water near my bedside and sliced some lemons in it so i can still have my dosage of vitamin c in the process.

my parents were alternately calling me, asking if im okay and reminding me to keep on track with my pill-popping. talking to my boyfriend on the phone too proved a challenge to my swollen throat but hearing all their voices put a certain calmness to my alarmed state.

my mind kept dozing on and off, waiting for the hours when my aunt's family finally arrived home.

and now, here i am. writing this post here in my office desk, with a box of tissue paper sitting close by. ive still got the running nose and i can still feel the mild pain in my throat. my nose is starting to feel like paper from all the wiping and my throat seemed to have a swallowed a pearl that got stuck somewhere. oh, and my voice sounded like a man hehe...

but im better than when it started.

its uncanny how yet again, the good Lord has taught me how to grow up. how to be strong in times of adversity. how to be the strong Lean he made me to be.

in every sense of the word.

zzzzz

i. am. officially. bored. out. of. my. skull.

amen

*sharing a prayer i stumbled upon in multiply...thank you to the author*


Father in Heaven,

With the gift of freedom and of liberty, I ask guidance as I soar high. That I may achieve with Your name and not mine, that I may rejoice while shouting Your glory. Though You set me free like a bird, You never left me as I spread my wings and soar so high. Lord, I may fall once, I may fall twice, I may fall so many times. But knowing fully well that You’re always there, it’s already enough not to stop learning after falling.

Thank you for letting me feel the hurt and the pain for I know in the end, I will enjoy comfort; that in every sorrow, glorious happiness awaits; that I will not fly if not because of failing and trying again. And if glory days come, remind me to humble myself before You and that I’m just nothing but a mere instrument of Your glory so that others may see the wonders of Your works.

Amen...

carebears

when somebody asked you what you care about the most in your life aside from your family, what would your answer be?

i guess if you ask a kid, his answer might be a favorite toy or a blankie he couldnt sleep without.

if you ask a teenager, the answer might be a fashionable bag, a recently purchased pair of shoes or a precious hand-me-down jewelry from mom.

if you ask a yuppie, the answer might be paying off rent for that month or a restful weekend after long days of work.

if you ask a married couple, the answer might be securing their children's future and seeing their dreams come true.

for me, i just realized that at this very moment when you ask me what i care most in my life aside from my family my answer would be...him.

me, him and our future. the future ahead for us.

i may not know him that well yet. but everyday, i get one step closer to learning who this guy is living this deeply colorful and interesting life. and that he has opened to sharing that life with me.

boldly, yes i say, our future. i can always say THE future. but right now, i have no intentions of sharing my own future with anybody else but him.

and as hard as the circumstances may be, like right now, i know he is there. he was given to me for a reason. and i was given to him just as the same.

the world around us may be chaotic now. the uncertainties and the hardships may be there. but i know wherever this journey takes us, it is a place that will bring us together again. to pray and hope that soon, things will fall into place.

when you lose hope, you lose freedom. and right now, there's nothing more i wish for him but to feel hopeful and free. to be free to live the life he wants. to be free to soak in the happiness he deserves. to be free from the darkness that his past may have brought him.

and to freely enjoy this journey with me.

riding that train inside the tunnel will be worth it.

officially missing you

ive always thought that the one way id be leaving manila is when our u.s papers to migrate finally gets approved. my dad has been in the states for close to 15 years already and it was a given that the rest of the family follow when everything is okay.

but here i am, on foreign soil but a different, unplanned one.

and i miss home.

i miss the laidback lifestyle as opposed to the fast-paced one here. everybody seemed like theyre always in a hurry. always in a hurry to earn more money. to get that promotion. to buy that gucci bag and louboutin heels. to get from one point to another. everything is just fast fast fast and if you lag behind, you will get trampled on one way or another.

i miss my family and my friends. i miss the summers and vacations of just driving out of the city and in a couple of hours, its just you and the sea. i miss the dinners and night caps after work where your salary actually allows you to have a life. if you spend that much here, you will die and so are the people who depend on you.

i miss the simplicity. unconsciously, you get more and more nationalistic as you tend to compare how things are done in manila. not great. not fantastic. not perfect. but just very...filipino.

i miss being part of something. part of a family. part of a country. not an alien. not a foreigner. not a race that usually gets discriminated, questioned or looked down on, discreetly or not amongst others.

i miss home. i miss my mom, my dad and my brother. i miss my room. my bed. my books. my bags. my havaianas.

ill be home soon. i just know it. and when that time finally comes, id be the happiest kid on earth.

why esgee?

(baket nga ba esgee moj?)

i also dont know.

but if youre the type who:

enjoys walking by yourself in the middle of the night without getting mugged, raped or killed
appreciates clean air
appreciates clean streets and sidewalks
appreciates clean trains and buses
appreciates things that are clean. period.
hates traffic
loves curry and spicy food
loves chinese food (chicken rice anyone?)

...then by all means, the doors of this country are welcoming you with open arms. get hold of your credit card and book a plane ticket stat!

but then again, this first world country is not all nice and dandy.

you need to have:

a strong stomach for the less than pleasant..erm odors
a strong set of legs for all the walking youre bound to do. whether you like it or not (darn you overhead stairs)
a mighty patient heart for people who find it hard to say "sorry" when they bump into you (then again, english is not their first language)
a very understanding set of ears to comprehend every sentence that ends in "lah" (oh and their "yes" is "can! can!")
a flexible appetite for the ever-present local food (kopi-o, te tarik, bubble milk tea..)
a penchant for right-hand driving (believe me, its very disorienting)

this country has a lot to offer indeed. at a time that i was looking for a haven from the chaos that is my life, i found it here and it welcomed me as its own.

but home is home. like what my tickles signage here in my desk says: NOT ONLY AM I CUTE! IM PINOY TOO! ('nuff said)

switching gears

"why am i here?"

i found myself asking that every so often when im feeling crappy about everything thats around me---from my public commuting, my morning meetings, my none-breakfast, my even more-than-none lunch and so on...

im here now in singapore.

have been here for more than a year and have felt so many things---relief, peace, happiness, loneliness, regret...but nonetheless comfortably numb about things that i can no longer change...at the moment..

i came here december of 2007 and spent my first holidays away from my family..spent the holidays for the first time in a foreign country without the warmth and comfort of noche buena or the morning's christmas mass...

but back then, that was just what i wanted...being here made me feel so free...the freedom ive wanted to feel, i definitely got...

it was a drastic change of lifestyle for someone who is so used to the luxury of manila living...i learned to take the bus and the train by myself, do groceries, cook, iron clothes (which is a sport in itself by the way), do laundry...everything basically by myself...

yes, i became a stepford wife in this urban jungle...

i went here to escape...and that was one of the best decisions i did because ive learned so much about myself and what i can do...for someone who was sheltered in her entire life, i am now living a life of an independent woman...